To My Lost Love…….

Never cry for what has ended. Smile for it happened.
Never cry for what is lost, Smile for it was once yours.

Dear Lost Love,

There is not a day that goes by I do not have a thought of you. Truthfully, even though I am doing this rehab thing for myself, somewhere inside I am praying and hoping you and your family will see I have truly surpassed all expectations anyone could have for me at this point and let me back into your life. I am 100% it wont happen, but it is still the wish of my heart it happens. I am truly regretful for things I said to you and never amounting to anything when you were by my side.

Not that it matters, but, I have been accepted to several colleges for psychology studies. I am planning on getting my masters and specializing in addiction treatment. The pay is stupid good, but, its more about being able to help others just as much as never having to have to worry about money again. I mean, not like it matters, but your mom will never let you even speak to me again as a friend, even if I live in a million dollar house, drive a Porsche, going to college to get a psych degree and will make $125,000 my first year and by year 5 be making $250,000. I’ve already gotten off to a good start. Currently, I have zero need I have any worries about providing for.

Heck, currently, I have a driver even. I told you this was all possible. I told you once I was clean I would do amazing things, but I couldn’t quit if I was going through pain of betrayal and torment of unfaithfulness. Do you know how I got clean? Well, I tried to take my life by OD. Almost worked, but hospital I was rushed to was able to keep my heart from exploding in my chest. From there I was taken to the nut house. There my social worker and me had a few chats, when it became clear that I NEED TO BE THE MAN I CAN BECOME FOR ME AND UNTIL THEN NOBODY OF VALUE WOULD HAVE ME!! So I got into the number one rated luxury rehab in the state and am now in Intensive Outpatient Programming for a few more weeks before I move to either McKinney or Fort Worth for a while.

Sadly, no matter what I accomplish, whatever I obtain, I will still be without the one thing I want most of all. My one true desire. See, I will have NOONE AGAIN! But, that’s not your problem right? If I would have just allowed the cheating, allowed those you wanted to kill me to succeed none of this would be a problem right? I know, that was more on you being convinced that it was all acceptable and that doing the things you did to get high was okay. I know. I know about the challenges you have mentally & how being so protected and sheltered prevented you from fully developing your foresight and rationalization as well as decision making skills. I totally forgive all that was done to me and washed it away.

BUT, it doesn’t remove the pang of missing hearing your laugh. It doesn’t remove the emptiness of not seeing your smile. NONE OF IT REMOVES MY YEARNING FOR YOU IN MY LIFE. I don’t know if I will ever get over it. See, I cling to the pain and emptiness because it’s all I have left of the times that fill up the highlight reel of my life. Putting the fancy words aside, I cannot get you out of my mind still. I desire you in my life daily. I want and need my best friend back, and that is you. I have had a custom made high end leather book made with 100 weight cotton paper inside. Just like money is made from. In this book is hand written poetry, open letters, inspirational quotes, bible verses and some other things, all for you.

300 Pages total. I aim to have it finished and sent to you before the anniversary of you leaving. Truth is, my beautiful angel, you came into my world and gave me a reason to keep on living when all I wanted was death. You gave me a reason to no longer settle for putting a needle in my arm or snorting lines. You gave me purpose. For that, I am truly grateful. For that, my heart cannot let go. I know that my chances of having you in my arms ever again is beyond low. I know. I get it. But truth is, I CAN PROVIDE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I CAN SUPPORT YOU AND THEM. I CAN FINALLY MAKE SURE YOU NEVER WANT NEED OR DESIRE ANYTHING YOU CANNOT HAVE EVER AGAIN! Just, please, consider it. I really do still love you just as much as I did that day you first kissed me. Let’s just start talking and go from there. I really do miss hearing about you and the kids. I am sober and I am not ever going back to using, not even drinking.

So, if you really do have the pure heart and beautiful soul I believe you do, and if you truly didn’t mean to hurt me, let me have you back in my life. My heart is still so full of love for you. You would be so proud of who I’ve become. I miss you so much. I still love you more than you could ever understand. I know how your family feels, but I beg them to just reconsider. The moment I even act anything near like I did, you can cut full contact with me and I will never try to make contact again. Please Angel, what do you have to lose? Just think of what you can gain………

Love Eternally,

Your Sweet Man